Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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