Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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