I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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