The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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