we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
they call him Oral-B. enough said
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
