my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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