I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
