my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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