i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
