My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
