Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
