Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
