I accidentally had phone sex last night
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
