Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
