I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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