ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
