You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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