Where is the hickey?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
