My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
