I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Randomize
