mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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