I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
It's shark week go big or go home
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
