my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
