Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
