I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
