This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
