i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
