you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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