And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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