Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
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