put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
