Please, let me fuck your mom
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
