Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
