i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
