Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
