I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Randomize
