Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
