see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
