i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
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Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
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Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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