There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
