I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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