Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
