i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
