I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
