Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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