You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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