I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
