I smell stomach acid.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
