its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
