In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize