Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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