Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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