I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
