one might say we're banned from that church
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
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I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
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When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.