Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
