I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
