My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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