sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
