I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Randomize
